How I kill time when I'm freezing by R.L. Mathewson
As I’m sitting here, freezing my buns off in my office, I get a phone call from what is undoubtedly a solicitor.
Yes, I’m going somewhere with this….
My phone tells me it’s from Delaware and I’m thinking, this just might end up entertaining me.
I was right 🙂
One of those computer generated voices that is programmed to respond to the human voice answers:
“Hello, would you be interested in a free trip to Bahamas, all expenses paid for cabins that have gone unsold and all we ask in exchange is for you to post a good review online and tell your friends and family about us. Are you interested?”
Me: “I sure am!”
“Now, I just need to ask you a few questions to make sure that you qualify for this free, all inclusive cruise to the Bahamas. Then if you qualify, I’ll transfer you over to a representative. Does that sound good to you?”
Me: “That sounds supercalafralagis to me.”
“I’m sorry. I did not understand that. Could you repeat that please?”
Me: “I said that Lisa is madly in love with Justin Bieber and snuggles a life-size pillow of him every night.”
“Will you be able to travel in the next 18 months?”
Me: “As long as my parole officer doesn’t find out.”
“Great! Now, are you at least 18 years or older?”
Me: “I sure as hell am!”
Me: “Isn’t it though?”
“Will you be able to find someone to join you on this free cruise who is at least 18 years or older?”
Me: “I’m sure I could find someone to come with me on this super free cruise that is most definitely not a scam!”
“Great! Just one last question, do you have a valid credit card? You’ll need one to board the ship and to use for any purchases that you make on the ship.”
Me: “Oh my god yes! I would love to give you my credit card number!”
“Congratulations, after reviewing your answers I have determined that you do qualify for this free trip to the Bahamas.”
Me: “I am shocked. Just shocked.”
“Please stay on the line while I transfer you to an operator that can help you secure your free trip to the Bahamas.”
Me: “A herd of wild boars hellbent on taking over the world couldn’t tear me away from this phone.”
**A minute goes by and I’m sitting here kind of getting bored and debating just hanging up instead of screwing with someone’s head, but then the operator answered the phone and started talking and I was like, Oh, what the hell….let’s do this!**
“Hello, and thank you for holding. On behalf of C—(You fill in the blank here) Cruise Lines, congratulations on being selected for a free cruise to the Bahamas.”
Me: “Thank you!”
“Are you excited about your trip?”
Me: “I really am.”
Me: “Yes, it is. It’s great. It’s wonderful. I am so gosh darn excited right now.”
“Now, there is a fifty-nine dollar boarding fee for both you and your companion and the rest is free.”
Me: “Wow, only 59 bucks each? That’s a crazy awesome deal.”
“It really is a good deal. You’re going to have a great time.”
Me: “Oh, I can just tell.”
“Before we get started, can I have your first name so that I know who I’m talking to?”
“Samuel?” she repeats, sounding unsure for the first time during this call, which is sad cause I was laying the sarcasm on pretty heavy earlier.
Me: “Yes, Samuel.”
“Can you spell that for me?”
Me: “I would love to. It’s S-i-e-a-e-i-o-u-m-e-i-e-a-and sometimes y”
Me: “Did you get that?”
“Yes, I did.”
“Now, all I need is a phone number so that I can put you in the system.”
“That sounds awesome, but can you give me one second? I’m trying to do something quickly,” I said as I typed in “Free Cruise scams” in Google.
“Yes, of course.”
I got a lot of hits, so I decided to narrow it down.
Me: “What’s the name of your company again?”
“It’s C_________ Cruise Lines.”
“Thank you,” I said, cause it’s the polite thing to do when someone is trying to rip you off.
I typed in the name of the company and low and behold I get the shock of a lifetime.
It’s a scam!
Wow, I really did not see that one coming.
So, as I’m surfing through reviews and warnings of the company taking their money, charging them an addition 350 for a cabin, the warning that this cruise ship is not really a ship and all this lovely stuff, she actually stays on the phone, waiting for five minutes.
As I was reading some rather interesting information about them scamming disabled and elderly people I decided to ask a few questions of my own.
Me: “Do I need a credit card today?”
“Yes, you will need a credit to secure your trip as well as pay for everything on the boat.”
Me: “I see…..”
“I can take that information as well as your call back number when you’re ready,” she said, sounding super perky.
Me: “Uh huh, hey, did you know that your company made CBS News?”
“W-what?” she asked, sounding nervous.
Me: “Yeah, CBS news did a report on your company and well, I just have to say that it was not flattering.”
“That’s not-“ she started to say, no longer sounding annoyingly chipper but with a hard tone of a really unfriendly female.
“Uh oh,” I said, ignoring the fact that she was now flipping out on me, “Looks like the Better Business Bureau has a listing for you and ouch, you didn’t fair so well there.”
“Now, you listen to me-“
“Yeah, as much as I would love to stay on the phone with you, give you my money and be scammed out of a 118 bucks, I’m gonna have to hang up the phone now. You have yourself a supercalifragilus day.”
This did entertain me for a bit there, but the moral of the story, don’t give your credit card information or any information over the phone to a company promising you free anything and if you have a few minutes to kill, these calls are a great way to kill some time.